Posted in Discovery Project: April

13 Day of April: Struggles with mindfulness

Today was day 3 of mindful showering and I have to say that it is still a struggle.  Being honest, I think that title will work for so many days ahead. For whatever reason, trying to meditate or be mindful when I first wake up seems near impossible for me.  I really do not understand why.  I am one of those people though who once I get the bit between my teeth, well, I am going to conquer that mountain if it kills me.  I’m probably a really easy person to manipulate.  Just tell me I can’t do something and I’m damn well going to do it, consequences be damned.  So, I am going to master morning mindfulness if it kills me.  But wait, isn’t that the complete opposite of the point?

Sitting in a new place on our couch has really thrown my husband.  Especially because my electronic gadgets are plugged in and the socket is at the other end of the sofa.  He is baffled and asked how long I needed to ‘change my routine for’ because he didn’t want to change his and felt it was a bit unfair that my change in routine changed his.  I think he may now be upstairs just because the downstairs seating arrangements are confusing to him.

I had my hair cut today and my favourite part of the whole experience is getting my hair washed.  I was talking to my hair dresser and told him this.  So, rather than trying to chat, he let me close my eyes and I tried to live in the moment and really enjoy the experience.  I tried to not think about work.  It was a lovely little bit of pampering and it really worked well for me.  I can’t say I was in the moment the whole time, but it did work much better than the shower.

Finally, my evening meditation was interrupted by my computer telling me that it was low on battery power. I had to restart the meditation because of the interruption.  And while this doesn’t seem to necessarily be a bad thing, it has two effects for me.  The first is it broke my flow.  The second is, like the repetition of most guided meditations for me, I was getting bored with it.  Well, bored isn’t exactly the right word, maybe frustrated is.  I wanted to get it done so I could check it off my list of things to do today.  Once I finished though, I felt so much better.  Anything I challenge myself to, I like to see progress.  For example, when I was only trotting in horse back riding, I was itching to be working on my cantering.  I am dying to try the next piece of the Mindfulness process.  But of course it is a practice and you have to work through each week in turn, using the whole week for that week’s practice.  It is all about enjoying and living in the here and now.  As you can probably tell from this entry, it is going really well.  I hate being slowed down and I love to keep pushing myself and driving myself, always going for more.  I don’t know what rainbow I think I am travelling or what the pot of gold at the end of it is in my mind, but there seems to be something in me that thinks if I just keep going, I too will reach utopia.  The only problem being that utopia doesn’t exist, and everyone’s version of it is something a little different.  But you try telling the side of me that is type A.  Go on, I dare you.

One thing I have noticed probably since I started this journey though was that I seem to be clenching my jaw frequently, if not always.  I do not know what that is about, but I notice it particularly when I wake up in the mornings and when I try to meditate.  I have to really work to un-clench it.  I am now wondering how long I have had it clenched and what I can do to relax my jaw.  I suspect the answer is keep on the Mindfulness path, which I am clearly doing so great at.  While working through all of this, I saw a meme on Facebook which so clearly described me and what I am doing and it just made me laugh so I decided to share it here.

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/>♥ – Life Learned Feelings | Facebook

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