Posted in Discovery Project: April

12 Day of April: A sad day

For me, today is a day of sadness.  It should be my father’s birthday but since he died, it is a day I find it a hard day to survive  It is a day when everything feels just a little harder to cope with and the tough stuff feels like an immense mountain to climb  Today, is the perfect day to work on my mindfulness.

The day itself threw me a few curve balls which caused me to feel a bit off-balance.  Hence, I did not get the cash for the clothes I need to pick up from the tailor.  Nor did I get the raisins I needed for the raisin meditation.  However, I once again tried (and mostly failed) to be mindful in the shower.  I tried to focus on the heat of the water, the sensation of the water hitting my skin.   It didn’t really work again.  My mind kept wandering back to the day ahead.  I once again emerged wet and frustrated.  But, something a little interesting did happen.  I began to wonder why I hate being wet so much.  I really, really hate it.  I don’t like swimming, I hate being caught in the rain, and taking a shower feels like a chore.  It’s a question I have often tried to answer but have no answer for.  Still, at least I felt the teeniest, tiniest bit of the curiosity the book discussed.

My two breathing meditations on the other hand went really well.  I have often found I respond well to guided imagery and meditation in the past.  I think it has something to do with my Quaker upbringing.  And after my father died, I found great comfort in returning to the Quaker Meeting in my home town and when I sat in silence, I found that it helped me restore a little piece of my soul, one shard at a time.  When I left my home town again following my father’s death, I could never get that sense of peace back at the meeting in my new home town.  I struggled through there for several months trying to grasp it back, but it never quite worked.  It wasn’t that the people weren’t lovely or didn’t have a sense of community, they did.  It just didn’t fit me because those who were moved to speak spoke about ideas that did not fit with my own personal values.  But, meditation mostly seems to go well for me.  And the same has been true for this time as well.  It took the first two sessions to get back into the rhythm of it, but now I am back, it seems to be going well.  I could feel my body physically relaxing and that is definitely a good thing.  I could feel my shoulders drop and my body get heavy.  These are all signs that meditation is doing its thing for me.

Breaking a habit, well, I struggled again with this one, however, I am currently sitting on the other side of the sofa to write this post, so I’m going to put that one in the win column* too.  It all just comes down to practice, time and putting as much of yourself into it as you can.  I am certainly trying to give it my all, or at least as much of me as I can spare.

*In this case, the win column is simply that I worked to achieve the task, not that it was a complete success or I achieved something dramatic.

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