Posted in Discovery Project: April

Day 10 & 11 of April: Mindfulness or Shut up brain

I read the first week of activity in my Mindfulness book last night and decided to start my journey into mindfulness today.  This week I have to try the Raisin Meditation, the first 8 minute Mindfulness meditation twice a day for the week, mindfully completing a task I do daily (instead of on doing it on auto-pilot), and changing a habit like where I sit.  I started trying to do these tasks today and let me just say, it has been a complete failure.

I started this morning thinking, I will brush my teeth mindfully as is suggested in the book.  Half-way through brushing my teeth on auto-pilot, I realised that I was supposed to be doing the task mindfully, not half-asleep.  But, being a good student of the mindful ways, I tried very hard not to punish myself and instead thought, well, I will try to do showers this week. In the shower, being mindful was like an all out, WWE wrestling match with myself and I was not in the winning corner.  I tried to concentrate on the way the water felt and the temperature, the texture of the soap, how it felt to wash my hair.  What my mind wanted to do, was go blank and still be asleep.   If it couldn’t do that, then it really wanted to get started on this focusing on the day ahead business.  It didn’t have time to get slowed down by this being in the moment stuff.  Who did I think I was bringing this crap into its morning thinking and planning territory?  In short, my brain was hostile and wasn’t going to go down without a fight for planning and over-thinking the day ahead’s tasks.  I left the shower really just feeling a bit more exhausted and confused.

To do the raisin meditation, I was going to go into town on my lunch and buy some fruit or nuts like it suggested.  Did that happen?  Nope.

And finally, I tried the 8 minute meditation with the cd tonight.  That went better, if I wasn’t constantly like – hmmmmm… why does my back ache, but I’m not supposed to be focusing on my back, I need to focus on my feet.  My legs are just stiff.  I wonder when the relaxing happens?  Will my body stop aching after a while?  Should I be doing this in a chair?  It has gone silent, does that mean this meditation is over?  What does the gong mean? And on, and on, and on my brain chuntered.  It was a relief when the 8 minutes were up.  And the thought of going through the whole internal mental wrestling match tomorrow already feels exhausting.  Living in the moment, you better be worth it.

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