Part of this month, whether I realised it when I finally started to collate my list or not, is all about the sweet things in life. The little, every day pleasures that make life worth living. I didn’t mention yesterday that I had a massage. I always feel exhausted after those, but it really helps my back which gets stiff and full of aches and pains. It is just a lovely half an hour where by the end, I am practically asleep. Massages help keep me going.
Tonight, we had planned to go the cinema and see Hidden Figures because we are both keen to see it, but with the rubbish weather out and our end of the week exhaustion, the call of the Chinese takeaway and Mr Selfridge on Netflix was just a little too much. These are the small, but lovely things in life. And we can go to the cinema tomorrow after we spend some of the day with some of our friends. Yes, that means we may have a pretty action packed Saturday, but we have time. We don’t have to always keep going. We can rest, rejuvenate. And that is a big part of this project and this month. This month is all about putting myself first. Remembering that I am a person who has needs and not denying myself but remembering how to live and smile and laugh.
Each month when I write out my plan in my Breathe journal, there is a lined page where I can write out some notes to help me think about what I want from the month ahead. I usually don’t share these on here, but I think I will share part of this month’s starting thoughts.
This month is all about enjoying life. I had completely forgotten how to do this. I was so sucked up into survival mode, I forgot to just do nothing or to do something just for the pure pleasure of doing it. Horseback riding was the firsts step of getting back that part of my life, the fun part. This month is all about becoming refreshed. It is about focusing on the good and letting go of the bad once it is over. It is about taking a deep breath and saying – what makes life worth living? I often get lost in my own head with so many worries. I am so concerned with just surviving, I forget to live. This is why this month is important. I am the type of person who puts myself last, at the very bottom of the pile. Putting myself first feels almost impossible, definitely weird, and like I am doing something wrong. But also, it feels weird to watch someone else not put themselves first. So, why don’t I do this for myself? Why do I think others are better and more deserving than me?
No, I don’t expect to find all the answers to these questions and this ongoing dilemma, but I am hoping it moves me away from ignoring my own needs and running myself empty and trying to give to others when I have nothing else to give. It feels quite selfish and martyr-ish to say these things about myself. But in all honesty, those words aren’t mine about myself, but ones I have collected from others who have watched me as a person. They are what people who know me say. And I have nearly fallen over myself trying to be everything to everyone, so I think I need to pay attention and feed my soul up, if for no other reason than it will help me help others. And I do love to help others.