When I first started thinking about all this, I was at a very low point in my life. I didn’t know that yet, and I certainly hadn’t reached the bottom yet either. I started though by focusing on my fears. I began addressing them one by one. Firstly was shelter. I needed a roof over my head. I needed food. I needed warmth. I needed clothes to wear. And all these things required money and financial security. How did I get all of that? I certainly didn’t feel secure. I felt like I could lose it all at any minute. This turned me into a panicky mess. But again, someone came to the rescue and asked me – what if it does happen? What if you lose your job? I was scared. But this person also gave me the answer – you are smart. You will figure it out, even if it means stacking boxes in Tesco for a while. It had been a very long time since I let myself think that way. It had been a long time since I felt I could take a risk and it would be okay. Heck, it had been a long time since I thought I could take a step without getting someone to okay it. It was like this person gave me a lease of life again. I could breath and I could plan and I could do. I could have fun and think about fun again. It released me. And even though this didn’t fix me completely, it opened me in a way I hadn’t been in a long time. I was open to opportunities again. And I began to think about what I really, really wanted out of my life. I began to think about what I wanted my life to be again. I was once again in control of making my life into what I really wanted from it. And, I noticed this also had a big effect on my relationship, because I had always been a girl who could sculpt her life and my husband noticed that. I think it was one of the things that he loved about me.
My really strange way of thinking about who I wanted to be now wasn’t wondering what I wanted other people to think about me – they will think what they wanted anyway. But, it was about what would I put in my biography? Or more specifically, my twitter biography? Everyone when creating their twitter biography puts quirky bits of information about themselves in it. Sure, if they are using twitter for career networking they might put their job title as what they do by day but they may be a stealth baker by night – there is always something about what they do for fun. So, what would mine say? Well, what did it say now?
A workaholic struggling to feel competent so working all the hours possible. Trying to stay in the game who second guesses everything she does – no real outside connection because she burned all her bridges doing a degree. A girl who uses audiobooks to drown out the anxieties in her head and drinking coffee to survive. Trying to make her house feel more like her one diy project at a time.
That was what it would have been at the beginning of the year. This is where I want to move it to.
Girl coming out of a tough time, Doctor Who aficionado, history documentary lover, wannabe world traveler, lover of Scotland, audiobook listener, lover of Harry Potter & Sherlock Holmes, Agatha Christie and the theatre. Drinker of coffee, tea and wine trying to find calm, peace and her place in the world and who works hard for the money.
I am already in the process. I am watching my Doctor Who again and am hopelessly addicted to history documentaries. I go to the theatre with a friend almost regularly now. But I am still working on it all. Some of it is just about remembering the things I have loved and rediscovering them. I have always done many of these things and loved these things, but my anxieties obscured them. That is what this year will be about. Rediscovering me.